Tuesday, September 11, 2007

And if you don't like her eyes - Just get them annulled.

So lately I've had something on my mind. I'm going to ramble a bit trying to find what it is exactly I wanted to say.

It seems like to a growing majority of people love is just a disposable convienence. Especially among guys, but growing among girls as well. The increasing popularity of living life focused on oneself is upon us. Our culture has taught us that we need to figure out who we are, and what makes up happy. Slogans like "have it your way" imply that we have the right to want the world on our terms. All our decisions are about OUR life and our happiness and me me me.

I struggle with whether this is a good attitude or not. I mean I have some phenominal Christian friends who are very happy being alone and adventurous. They're taking this opportunity of being on their own to see the world...travel...have no attachments...and build relationships. I'm not saying that's really bad. But it breaks my heart to see this trickle over into love and relationships. Guys who have amazing women of God in their lives that truly care about them just throwing the relationship away. Because it's disposable. Because they just want to have fun and not have to work at a relationship. Because their friends rather than encouraging them to hold onto and work on a really good thing like the possibility of a future spouse, want them to go out and party with them, or even just be more availible. Friends are important, absolutely, but your future spouse is more so and why is it that everyone feels like finding that person is so easy that there is always someone else around the corner? Most girls don't have that feeling of security but many guys do. Taking to much energy? Drop the relationship and another one just as good is just around the corner. I just don't know it that's Biblical it doesn't seem like real love.

Granted real love isn't really proven til after marriage and everyone is aware you work at that, but I mean come on guys? Ending relationships for no apparent reason other than self centered ness? I just don't know about that. It hurts a lot of people and it seems like one of the basic principles of Christianity is loving other people and dying to self. Putting others above yourself and not being selfish.

Divorce is ever on the rise and if it's so easy now dispose of good relationships to chase after youre own selfish ambitions (but call them dreams so they sound better) when does that end? Never? Will you always be chasing down dreams, to never want to settle and when someone gets in the way of those dreams you dispose of them? It's important to have dreams sure but when did it become a bad thing to be content with having a family and a wife? That's personally always been at the top of my dreams list. Having someone there to DO all that WITH.

And that relationship with your spouse is special and the perfect ministry team as God intended it. That means you love that person so much you want their happiness over yours. That if you are sure you love them it is OKAY to make decisions based on them. Who came up with the idea that if someone is "keeping you from something" you want to do that that means you should break up with them? Missing out on things you WANT to do to fufill yourself is a legite reason to break up with someone?

I don't know. I guess if traveling to 16 countries before you die is really important to you, or your calling maybe you should not involve other people or date til you fufill that. Rather than dragging someone into it that cares about you and wants you to have all that but unintelltionally makes it harder for that to be easy because you'll be away from them...then just dropping them when they start to pull your attention away.

I guess it's sad to me that people devalue love that much. That doing something tempory and "grand" is so much more appealing than being in love and settling down and being CONTENT in what you have...

In A Severe Mercy by Sheldon Vanauken, he describes how he met his wife and their story before he lost her to cancer. She was so precious to him that he chose her above everything else and he was content with that decision--

"Much later, my very different choice came when my old flying comrade had won some fame among friends for reckless deeds in the air--urged me to go with him upon a very appealing aerial adventure in Arizona. It would have meant staying out of college for a year--and no Davy. I chose her."

He chose her. Nowadays if someone got the chance to do something like that and chose to stay home with his girlfriend instead he'd get a lot of heat for it. God forbid you choose time with your girlfriend over an adventure like that with a friend! Everyone would probably urge him to break up with her because she was changing him and keeping him from his friends and adventures.

If you read the rest of the story it is a phenominal story of a very loving and fufilled God-centered relationship that lasted a lifetime. It started with the two of them being so in love that they put each other above themselves.

I guess you could argue you shouldn't put a significant other over friends becuase they aren't permanant...but this is college kids...you should either not date and focus on whatever it is that's important to you or realize the person you meet now could be the one. If you're just dating to date you're playing with someones emotions that may really grow to care about you. I think the fact that relationships are so commonly not permanant is just another sign of self-centeredness and what we've made things.

The point is, dating scares me in college. I want a guy who loves me enough to not care what others think and wants to be with me. I'm not saying I'd ever wanna take all his time from his friends and others or his dreams. I'm just saying I'm tired of seeing my close friends, girls and guys alike, heartbroken and crushed because they were crazy about someone who looked at them as disposable. If you really love someone it's unconditional...not disposable and I want that real love.

Has marriage and family really become that unappealing? Is it really settling and giving up excitement nowadays? Why can't you have your adventures with someone by your side?

I don't want to be disposable. I want to be loved by someone who doesn't want to live life without me. Isn't that real love?

The heart of a wife
But she won't unlock it
All dressed in white
And face in the blankets
The nights with the boys
Razor in pocket
Drives to work
Don't ever drive back

Its a four letter word
And who ever thought that a
Four letter word would be so hard to spell out
And our hearts skipping beats
On edges of seats
We'll take time when its up
But give up when its down...
Freakin out about love...love...about love...about love.

To cool for apologies
And wouldn't have held
Our emotional policies
And looking glass selves
A realization that we all need to find
Is it's all in our heads when
We're changing our minds
About love

Love about love...its not love...

If we're not gunna mind
What's lodged in our chests
Then I'll spend all my time
Dodging yours I guess
There's a whole in my heart
And 5 cent society pulls up apart
And at the blink of an eye
We'll get the courts intervolved
And if you don't like her eyes
You just get them annulled.
Is the justice of the peace losing its power?
Honey moon sweets to hotels by the hour...

We take when its up
But give up when its down

And its not love. ---Jon Mclaughlin


Leah said...

I like.

Noelle said...

Some thoughts that were emailed or posted on facebook:

Oh hey,

The word "love" can mean different things to different people. You can love your dog, you can love pretzels, and you can love your husband.

Some definitions of love....
1. a profoundly tender, passionate affection for another person.
10. strong predilection, enthusiasm, or liking for anything: her love of books.
13. Chiefly Tennis. a score of zero; nothing.
18. to need or require; benefit greatly from: Plants love sunlight.

Your view and thoughts were very mature and wise, though they are missing something. This is not a perfect world. You could possibly find your other half as a first boyfriend, or maybe it takes til the tenth for him to come along. Does that mean that the other nine were a waste of time and life? I think not. You learn things through those other "non-right" relationships. They help you grow and shape who you become down the road. Now, I'm not saying that you should date just to date. That's fickle and self-centered. You should be attracted to and have a connection with the other person, but maybe not be instantly ready to walk down the aisle. Wow, I didn't think I was going to go this long. In conclusion, (I hate that phrase), good thoughts and it'll be good for other people to hear who maybe haven't thought about this.


My only response to this is that I didn't really mean to emply you can date just one person and know they're the one. More I'm just addressing the tendency to end good relationships for seemingly no or selfish reasons which seems more self-centered than justified and with little respect to relationships. -Noe

Noelle said...



I can't comment directly on the blogsite because I'm not a member, so I guess I'll do it right here.

I think it's interestingly reflective what you wrote and that you took the time to vocalize your thoughts. I believe that writing and expressing yourself through words can be one of the most healing processes. I LOVE to write and I really enjoy journaling too, so, good work. :)

About that which you specifically wrote, I definitely understand your confusion and frustration; However, at the same time, I believe the misunderstanding and "devaluing" of love to be almost inevitable. Usually I'm a rather hopeful person. I would love to sit back and criticize the world and be like, "yeah, what is up!?" But, when we think realistically, this issue all stems from the sinful nature of Man. We are sinful, and therefore possess selfishness. We will never, ever be able to experience a completely perfect and selfless love until that moment when we recognize the unconditional blessing of God's love for us. And THAT love is AMAZING, and probably the only love we can bank on. (Though, yes, marriage is spectacular, for those who are meant to be married).About relationships, I guess I sort of see them in a different light. I certainly understand what you mean about wanting to find a guy who really, truly loves you, but right now (despite the fact I have a boyfriend at home), regardless of anything else, I would choose NOT to date someone at college. And by what I read, you may see that as a selfish thing, but I simply see that as me keeping my focus. I can't speak from a "single" perspective, but I know where I've been in the past, and because of it, I understand the extreme lack of Jesus in my life when I balance school and the value of my education (so that I can serve Him better!), various involvements, friends, AND a boyfriend. It's just messy for me. So, in short, (I hope you're still reading and not thinking I'm a loser:)), I would rather see girls and guys WAITING until they're sure that God is CALLING them to the relationship (which means being still and listening for his voice!) and ending relationships ( because if they're contemplating the idea of ending it to begin with, who knows if it's real love initially?) so that the things that are MOST important aren't lost. Now, if I make absolutely no sense, please ask me to clarify. I hate being misunderstood. :) And also, if this has nothing to do with what you wrote, haha, you can tell me that as well.

I think we're in agreement about most things, though, and I definitely understand where you're coming from.I had a difficult time determining what you're struggling with, but HEY! I live right down the hall from you, so you should come visit me. I value the fact that you think I am trustworthy. I appreciate you and your honesty and that you took the time to write all of that.


In response: I agree with you that you shouldn't date til you're ready. That's sort of the problem. People dating while they have other committments that they feel are (and rightfully so many times) more important. Or not in the right place spiritually to be ready for it. A lot of that prematureness leads to the feelings I was addressing of love being disposable because you're not ready. But we'll talk more later ....:-)

Noelle said...

Why do we have such a hard time with whole hearted commitments? Perhaps it’s because our role models are stars who parade around from adventure to adventure from woman to woman. With James Bond as our standard, life is having one high rise thrill after another. Never staying in one place he goes where ever he wants with no family to tie him down. He is independent, adventurous and handsome. As the sun sets over an exotic place he gets his woman, has fun for a night and moves on the next day to do it all over again. With no commitment he is free to enjoy life as he wants, never having to worry about building a relationship or enduring the hard times. When commitment is implied, it’s only till the end of the honeymoon period. When you are constantly told that having adventures by day and having your women at night is the way to go, you start to subconsciously believe it. The life of a family man is portrayed as dreary and boring. How many studs who are family men does our culture celebrate? Sure there are some, but they are tied down, busy and boring. With the single adventurous man as our model, guys are told that anything else is boring. Though God intended marriage to be one life-long adventure with a partner, so many people have let the fire die down to several barely burning coals. It takes commitment to keep a fire blazing for a lifetime especially when society is telling us that lighting new ones is much more adventurous. Society may be right, but they neglect to mention the tearing pain that results from a break up. At the end of my life I want to be able to say that I lived a God-centered life committed to one woman. Society seems to think that there is something wrong with that, but they couldn’t be further from the truth. I have a feeling God knows best.


I couldn't agree more Wes. Thanks!

Jaime.Crosby said...

Ok, so this guy that I dated for two years, says to me "Highschool relationships are supposed to be for fun and to make you happy, and we're not happy, so we're breaking up". At least that was one of his ten different reasons, they kept changing.

Maybe he was right, maybe highschool relationships are just to make you happy. It seems that nowadays people are carrying that mentality(sp) onto college. I'm not saying that you must have a serious relationship in college, but I'm tired of the relationships that, as you would say, are 'disposable'.

Grrr, now I feel mad. I hate how all of us had these long relationships that are ex's didn't really care about. However, I will admit that I'm glad I did not end up with him. I always felt that this was not the guy God wanted me with, and I fought it, but when we broke up, yeah I cried and was sad, but I had inner peace. Wow I'm deep.

So on the one hand what I guess I'm saying is that I agree. I can't stand these relationships that are of no value to these couples, and I think that people should be more mature in life about relationships and work at them. On the other hand, I think we should always keep our minds open; maybe God is moving these people to break up with the other person, because they're not the person God wants them with.

Sorry to be on the fence. But just to clarify a point of view: I believe relationships should be taken seriously. You should try your all in every relationship, so that even if it fails, its not because someone was being selfish, but because it was God's will.

"Love suffers long and is kind; love does not envy; love does not parade itself, is not puffed up; does not behave rudely, does not seek its own, is not provoked, thinks no evil; does not rejoice in iniquity, buy rejoices in the truth; bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things."
1 Corinthians 13:4-7

Noelle said...

thats why im on the fence too jaime. :)