Heart Negotiations

Crop Circles in the Carpet

2011-01-03T16:29:00.001-05:00

It's hard when you see yourself in someone you don't like. But at least I can see it.

Maybe Relationships

2010-12-09T13:18:00.004-05:00

Sometimes I get a little sad at the direction our culture is going.

I'm not saying it's all bad. There's a higher respect for people who are different from you, and more people getting education, and technologies I have come to love. I mean sound tech, movies, music, information at the click of a button, the ability to call for help if you're stuck on the side of the road...

But what about our relationships?

...facebook for instance. I've been able to keep in touch with dozens of friends I would have lost all contact with otherwise. And that's the benefit/good thing about facebook. But on the other hand, the quality of those relationships is seriously lacking. And the habits and attitudes our culture is developing are kind of depressing.

Last night, Justin Jones read an article about "maybe" society. Where your word no longer means much. Where you can click "maybe" on a facebook invite and really mean no. Where you can not make plans ahead of time, or cancel at the last minute if you don't really feel like going. Where you can wait til something better comes along. And it's even your close friends. Can you really count on me to be there when I say? There was a point when I'd say YES! Of course! But I admit that there are nights I bail on something I had planned to do just because I'm tired and would rather sit on my couch. And I know my friends don't love me any less or mean anything personal by being busy or not knowing their schedule more than a week out. But it's a little disheartening isn't it?? What happened to community celebrations? Knowing your neighbors? Knowing your friends won't cancel on you? Having a few very close friends instead of hundreds of acquaintances? Really wanting to get to know people on a deeper level?

Again, I know there are benefits mixed in there. The ability to reinvent yourself, or move on from a past you want to forget. And I have good, close friends, I know I could call when I most need them...

And speaking of relationships, I've noticed less and less people really believing in marriage. And I completely understand why. In a culture that actively promotes selfishness, how could two selfish people ever make marriage work and why even bother these days when it's unnecessary? I get it but I think that's incredibly sad. Marriage is suppose to be a wonderful partnership. It's beautiful in it's own messy way. I still believe in marriage...but am I becoming part of a minority?

I think if you asked someone off the street what was most important to them, most would reference some kind of relationship. And people are still getting married (though I'm pretty sure they're more concerned with the wedding than the marriage). But I just see things that slowly changing relationships and I just wonder...do people even notice? Do they care enough to want to change it? Can we redeem it? Do we have to give up things to do so?

Am I the only person that is bothered by this??????

--Noelle

The Consumer Question

2010-11-12T15:57:00.002-05:00

I'm convinced that it is far better to appreciate what you have, live within your means, help others with your excess, simplify your life by trying to buy only what you need and be globally aware of poverty that you're not even close to experiencing...

...but I also really like shoes...and shopping...and movies...and eating out...and all the consumerism/entertainment that is almost inherent in my culture. Can the two be balanced or do they so completely contradict one another that you must choose between them...

Selfish Ambitions

2010-10-28T10:53:00.003-05:00

What is the difference between a godly and a selfish ambition?

That was the topic of a blog I read today.

Do you live for yourself and give God credit as an afterthought?

Or are you willing to serve even if that means sacrificing everything you think you want.

I don't believe God wants anyone to be miserable. And I know God can instill in people a vision for something great, or even their dreams and ambitions.

But in our culture, I think we get carried away and take it too far--creating a vending machine God. "This is what I want for my life and God loves me so he'll give it to me." It's a common attitude. What ever happened to "Here am I Lord, what will you have me do?"

I think of most major music artists. Ya know, the radio rappers and pop stars that get up at the Grammys and thank God for their awards. I don't claim to know their hearts, but I always cringe when they bring God into it. Most of them are clearly living the most ungodly life possible. They live their lives out for themselves and at the end of the day (or at least in public) they are nice enough to give God a shout out. Awesome.

I have friends who've played sports and gotten injured and been angry at God for taking away their dream. I have friends who really just want fame but disguise it as ministry. I'm not saying that God doesn't fulfill dreams. But what if that's your plan for your life and God has something totally different in mind? Will you be angry when you don't get what you want and turn your back on him? If God said to you...I need you to sell everything you have and serve among the poor...would you be able to do it? Usually I get "God would never ask me to do that." Oh yeah? Have you read the Bible lately?

If God has given you gifts to use for him, use them. But don't use dreams and positivity as an excuse to live for yourself and call it living for God. Be willing to serve no matter what. If that is truly the desire of your heart you will find joy and fulfillment in serving God no matter how lofty or lowly your social status is.

I've always struggled with this. I know there's a great debate between the prosperity gospel camp and the purpose driven life camp. I've been absorbed in both kinds of churches and Christians at various times. But find some balance. There is truth in both. You can be a selfish martyr just as much as a selfish ambitionist. But don't let your martyrdom or your ambition blind you from God's true plan for your life. We're selfish by nature. No matter what perspective you come from...we're selfish. And few people ever really get around to acknowledging that.

Be a willing servant.

Limerence.

2010-10-13T13:35:00.002-05:00

I knew he was the one when I realized I didn't have an exit strategy.

The Re Beginning of Being

2010-08-11T13:36:00.001-05:00

"And we are left to be and keep on being, Like everything around a central meaning."

It has been nine months since I posted. Revival coming soon?

From trucks and planes to video games...

2010-01-03T16:43:00.003-05:00

When I'm lyin' in my bed at night
I don't wanna grow up
Nothing ever seems to turn out right
I don't wanna grow up
How do you move in a world of fog that's
Always changing things

The Ramones

Technology and modernity have created a culture that is so complex and so self-absorbed that it makes it incredibly hard to find true simple happiness. I know where to find it, but I wish it wasn't a constant battle against outside factors and circumstances. It's scary and brave to face it. It'll take all my courage.

---Noelle

They Like Jesus but Not the Church

2009-06-20T22:26:00.004-05:00

Just a few notes about some things I'm digging into as of late.

I could write pages and pages and get off on 500 tangents about different issues and questions and answers in all of this, but rather than try to articulate what I'm thinking and feeling...I just wanna get down my initial thoughts.

I took a class on Postmodernism this semester and read some great books on emerging generations and how our culture is changing. One of the less scholarly, but most compelling of these books was They Like Jesus But Not The Church by Dan Kimball. And recently, I picked up a copy of Velvet Elvis by Rob Bell. Both books have raised some good points and questions about my generation and my faith...and made challenges to how we are to go about combining the two in a way that really works and makes sense.

This is something I'm really concerned with. The methods of evangelism my grandparents used, doesn't work very well on people my age. I wonder if older people in churches can't see that? Many of the older people in churches, were younger people once, frustrated with the older people in the church that wouldn't allow growth or good change to happen in their congregations (such as in worship music, etc.) Are they becoming the same but a new generation? Are we praying and asking for growth and change while they do the same old same old and ignore it when it doesn't work?

Dan Kimball points out that most churches don't have a very large group of people in their 20s. No one seems to care, or at any rate really notice that this age group is missing. You have high school age and children, and you have their parents and other adults. Where are these emerging generations going? Is this normal? Do they come back when they're older? I'm starting to lean towards the fact that they don't. In fact the Church doesn't have the best reputation with emerging generations. But while I wonder and search for all the reasons and factors...I at least know its true. Just today I was looking at big churches websites online in the area and I noticed many of them, though having lots of ministries for adults and children, didn't have anything for 20-somethings. I really wasn't expecting that. I figured hey, they still have the ministries even if they aren't well attended right?

Another small note I'm wrestling with that is brought up in both books is how people view the Church versus how the view Jesus.

I don't think people are closed minded to Jesus, his teachings, his message...the gospel. I think it's us. We're the turn off...the people who've given a bad image of Christianity, and who most people really want nothing to do with. (And I can hardly blame them).

I'll end with a quote:

"Jesus is more compelling than ever. More inviting, more true, more mysterious than ever. The problem isn't Jesus; the problem is what comes with JEsus. For many people the word Christian conjures up all sorts of images that have nothing to do with who Jesus is or how he taught us to live. This must change." - Velvet Elvis

Similarly, Dan Kimball talks about many interviews and conversations he had where people were really very open to Jesus...but not to Christians.

Okay so these are just some issues raised among many...and obviously not my whole thoughts on anything...but I just wanted to put it out there...I really want to find out how I can live out my faith in a uplifting way that shows Christ's love rather than causing more damage and I can see that people my age are getting turned off my my faith and I want to redeem that.

More later...

---Noelle

A Prayer

2009-02-15T23:49:00.001-05:00

Lord guide me
Inspire me
Lead me
Show me
Work in me
And change who I am
Show me where you want me
Don't let my mind get in the way
Pierce my heart with your ways
Cover me in your peace and love
Teach me how to walk
This is the cry of my soul

Cuz everything inside me feels torn
And everything outside me seems to fall apart
My world seemed to shatter over night
And you are the only one who can truly see my heart

I hide the pain
The confusion
The mistrust
And I turn to you alone
Healer and Comfortor
Protector and Lover
Transform my ways
Give me a taste
Of being sure of that is hoped for
Certain of things unseen
Capable of once again believing in dreams

Because when all seems broken
You're the only things that left
And in my shame I refocus
Pretend its all a test

You alone Lord. You alone.
You are all I have
But you are my stability
The one who goes ahead...

Testing the Strong Ones

2009-02-04T20:33:00.003-05:00

So...I'm very much all about finding your strength, choosing happiness and relying on God for your peace, strength and joy. I think we have a lot of power over our attitudes and our attitudes have power over our emotions.

I'm also a girl. You can't control how you feel. Right? Well it is a battle. And sometimes we lose that battle. But we can't stop fighting.

No one has to fight their battles alone however. I don't just mean God is with is. He is. And perhaps there are battles we have to fight alone. But God also encourages us to find fellowship with fellow Christians. We're the body of Christ and he intends for us to fellowship with each other to encourage one another and lift people up. We don't have to be alone.

In the past I've tended to internalize and try and handle things on my own. Mostly because I know it can take a tole on friends and I should not be dragging them down with me day after day...they need encouragement to! But there is a balance here.

This semester I've been blessed with a group of girl. Once a week we have an all girl Bible study. Having it be all girls allows us to be vulnerable, honest and transparent about our struggles with each other. I am so thankful for them. In that time...we laugh and find joy amidst pains and stress. We share our sorrows. We pray and encourage each other. We keep each other accountable. It's amazing.

I've noticed that we often have a lot of the same issues. Stress, pain, heartbreak, etc. We could easily have a weekly pity party. We could just vent and focus on our pain and problems. But we don't. Because we have a purpose.

The following is an exert from a book I'm reading about loneliness:

-Be still and know that He is God.
When you are lonely, too much stillness is exactly the thing that seems to be laying waste your soul. Use that stillness to quiet your heart before God. Get to know Him. If He is God, He is still in charge.
-Remember that you are not alone.
"The Lord, He it is that doth go with thee. He will not fail thee neither forsake thee. Be strong and of good courage." (Deut. 31:8) Jesus promised His disciples, "Lo, I am with you always." (Matt. 28:20) Never mind if you cannot feel His presence. He is there, never for one moment forgetting you.
-Give thanks.
In times of my greatest loneliness I have been lifted up by the promise of 2 Corinthians 4:17, 18, "For this slight momentary affliction is preparing for us an eternal weight of glory beyond all comparison, because we look not to the things that are seen but to the things that are unseen." This is something to thank God for. This loneliness itself, which seems a weight, will be far outweighed by glory.
-Refuse self-pity.
Refuse it absolutely. It is deadly thing with power to destroy you. Turn your thoughts to Christ who has already carried your griefs and sorrows.
(I agree so much with this. The second you start focusing on yourself and turn in...you only feel worse because you let your own problems consume you and you can't see the bigger picture, much less anyone else around you.)
-Accept your loneliness.
It is one stage, and only one stage, on a journey that brings you to God. It will not always last.
-Offer up your loneliness to God,
as the little boy offered to Jesus his five loaves and two fishes. God can transform it for the good of others.
(Christianity is one of the only religions that considers suffering a good thing. Our trials strengthen us and they are temporary. They help shape us into stronger better people who are more affective. No, it is not that God wants us to be in pain. He does however allow pain. He doesn't set in. He wants to see us look to him in that pain and he blesses us with strength peace and character.)
-Do something for somebody else.
No matter who or where you are, there is something you can do, somebody who needs you. Pray that you may be an instrument of God's peace, that where there is loneliness you may bring joy.

The last one is where my Bible study fits. We are all in pain. Yet, rather than dragging each other down day after day...we are lifting each other up. Though we are in pain...we can allow other people to encourage us and in return we encourage them...think of them.

I think this helps me put my own pain into perspective. If I focus on myself, I hurt myself more. I drag myself and everyone who cares about me down with me. If I realize that everyone around me is struggling to...and put my own struggles into context I realize that it my responsibility to be there for others. There is something about doing that, that makes you feel good too. You aren't focused on yourself, you realize youre not alone, and others will be there to encourage you right back.

All this to say I am thankful for these girls. And I encourage everyone to choose to think of others and be uplifting.

-Noelle

Technicolored Thoughts and Dreams

2009-02-02T18:36:00.005-05:00

I've been thinking about the story of Joseph lately.

Does God play favorites? (Of course not.) When you read the story of Joseph do you think it IS in fact a little unfair that Joseph is treated differently then all his other brothers? If you were the brother would you resent seeing a sibling spoiled and given nice things while you were ignored. Of course you would. It's human.

Human impulses, however, are not something we're meant to live by. Did Josephs brothers have unwilling hearts to follow God? Did they focus on what they didn't have? Did they feel sorry for themselves and build up resentment?

Do you think if Josephs brothers had been actively fighting their impulses and open to what God had for them, they would have had an even bigger role, like Josephs?

Joseph was given a great responsibility. His life was not spoiled and perfect. With great reward comes great sacrifice. Willingness to follow God means willingness to surrender a mediocre "safe" life. Maybe at times admist the turmoil you wish for boring. And yet, after all the pain comes the reward...greater than anything you may have received otherwise...and with a character much stronger.

That isn't to say everyone must to be imprisoned and enslaved in order to someday rule...

The question is, are we willing to accept hardship for Him?

I think the most striking part of Josephs story was his joy. He had peace and joy in God...and trusted him completely...even when he was in prison and at the lowest point of his life.

How many of us really do this? Trust God to the point of joy amidst pain...in the midst of unfairness even. Other people manipulating you, being selfish, lying, etc. as in Josephs case.

Let me use yet another Cool Hand Luke song here:

Let me tell you what he did for me,
With the weight of my worries tearing my sleeve.
I cried to my father the other night, the end of all hope.
"Show me the rope, which way to go"
As I fell asleep, he took away my worries.
He picked me up put me on his shoulders.

I could see for miles.
He showed me that the mountain I'm climbing, is not a mountain at all, but a gentel slope leading home.

There are mountains towering ahead.
He says to me
"These are mine. Hold my hand, you'll be fine."

I could see for miles.
He showed me that the mountain I'm climbing, is not a mountain at all, but a gentle slope leading home.

"The mountains are mine."

Cool Hand Luke

So...when we find ourselves in the pain...there's so much joy we can have in that. The joy of God's trust in our strength. The joy of knowing the other side will be great. The joy that God is with us right then and there giving us peace...lifting us onto his shoulders...

Our mountains seem so significant while we're climbing them. But if we could see past them...at the bigger picture...they wouldn't seem so significant. And he never asked us to endure trial and pain alone. He's right there with us...holding our hand...suffering with us. And we can look at our mountains and hear God say "The mountains are mine."

Joseph is a great example of extreme pain and extreme blessing. But the Bible (especially the old testament) is full a sacrifices that are frankly much larger than most things we seem to be asked to give up today. Even in cases of love...Jacob worked YEARS to be with Rachel. Years. How many of us are asked to wait years? Not many. If God asked us to...would we think it was insane? Then look at Job who had his children and all his possessions taken. If we lost every one of our children and all we had...could we keep out faith? And the list goes on.

But at the end of each of these stories is Redemption. And often, unexpected and better than expected.

So in our temporary pains...we can find peace in him...but can't we also find some joy?

---Noelle

Afterthought,

It's okay to hurt and not rid yourself entirely of your hopes or the pain of submitting them to God. What would we offer as our sacrifice if we had no personal desires? It'd be easy to follow God if we had no personal feelings of our own on that matter of our lives...but we do...and the pain of giving them to God is a willing sacrifice and submission.

Trust Me.

2009-01-28T15:34:00.005-05:00

I've always struggled with the concept of discernment. How do you truly 100% know God's speaking to you and its not your mind...OR your heart for that matter. I've seen hearing from God abused by people who are not trying to be munipulative, but genuinely believe what they are hearing is from God. And how do we as a body discern who is hearing from God and who isn't? My dad always told me take things and put them on a shelf...and if they ring true, great, and if not, fine...there's no harm done.

In other words pray and test things you're hearing from God or others are hearing from God.

I'd like to think God will not lead you astray and I've very often in the past really felt led to do something and felt it was confirmed afterwards as right. But what about when you and a friend are on two opposite ends of a situation and therefore see it completely differently? Whose right? Are we making assumptions we feel good about and therefore attributing that to God...and yet because we don't have the entire picture we can't see that they may be mislead? Is it impossible to admit mistakes even when we felt at peace about what we'd felt we were hearing?

I guess I'm frustrated because sometimes I feel untrusted. I feel like it is important to hear someone out and not assume you know what their intentions are before you make a judgement. What harm is there in knowing the intentions and then praying about them to make sure they ring true? Is it possible that if you don't do this, you're being unfair? I sometimes want to say "Don't you trust me?" Trust that if I say something is important enough to bring up, that I've put a great deal of prayer into it and tried to make sure there was no self motivation in it? Isn't is possible that I'd only risk something as important as ones trust and respect for me if I knew it was crucial...and had agonized over it?

I feel like, intent of heart and the desire to seek God is the point I'm trying to make. If I prove to be selfish again and again and miss the mark...clearly I have room to grow and should be questioned. But also I very much value my friends, fellow Christians, and other people's respect...that they would at least trust me enough to know my heart was in the right place. If they respected me that much, they'd be willing to listen / hear me out / hear what I feel like God's telling me. Then from there they could test it, pray about it, and choose to question it and disagree...or to confirm it. Either way they'd know my heart was all good intentions.

I'm sorry if this came out as a bit of a vent...I'm just really trying to stay in God's will. And I hope others can see that.

But regardless of if people can see it or not...I will always look to God for discernment and direction. I hope people will be able to see where my heart is. In Him.

Noelle

A Fellowship So Deep

2009-01-18T20:59:00.003-05:00

I feel I'll be blogging a bit more frequently because I seem to constantly have something on my mind as of late. I bounce back and forth between hard questions I'm working through in my mind, and the simplicity of having a real relationship with Christ and others. My last post was about one of the hard questions...one of the challenges...This one is about the relationships and the encouragement I'm finding.

I've been struggling with the concept of sacrifice lately. As mentioned in earlier writings, I'd already settled the importance of giving things to God. I remember that being in God's will means that I have to deny myself daily. I am choosing to not hold onto anything. To fight selfishness. To give everything one hundred percent to my Father and find peace in that. If anything is getting in the way of my relationship with Him, I am trying to crucify it.

Resentment. Bitterness. Being angry at God.

These things are unfair. They are so self-centered and self-absorbed. I've chosen to sacrifice any urges towards these feelings to God. My very hurt, my lonliness, my desires, my anger...anything. Those very emotions can be sacrifices. I can sacrifice the urge to feel any of those things. I can choose not to.

It's funny. I know that is a hard concept to understand. Emotions seem like something you just feel, and can't help. And in many ways you cannot help how you feel. But I do believe if we choose to give something over to God we can actively fight those urges, and sacrifice them to God, we'll find a peace in letting go. Holding onto our pain, our resentment etc...it's so tempting. It's so easy. It is ridiculously hard to let go. But if you truly want to...ask Him and He'll show you how.

This is about our relationship with God. Focusing on our circumstances...dwelling on the unfairness of things we don't quite understand, all these things inhibit closeness with our Father. They consume our minds and hearts so that there is not a whole lot of room left for God. But he wants us to rely on him alone. To find peace and contentment in Him alone. And he will help us there!

Lately I've been trying to put this into practice.

I've found that it is so easy to dwell on things that I don't understand, that don't seem fair to me. I know that God must have a plan, but because I can't see the big picture I am fighting emotional turmoils. By truly letting go and giving things to God...I am promising to put thoughts like these out of my mind. Not to just trust him through it...but to truly give it over to him and not worry about it.

In practice...easier said than done. But so possible.

I had a few strong days where I did not think about the things outside of my control that were hard. Then last night I found myself very discouraged. Praying, talking about it, nothing really helped, I was just low as the reality of things sunk in. It all seemed so unfair. And I had those emotions to deal with. The were surpressed to an extent but lingered well into today. I know that God knows my strength...and has trusted me with a sacrifice he knows I can handle and I will come out even stronger for having endured. And He is there reminding me. When He sees that I am trying hard He is there pushing me.

God is timely.

As I sat in Koinonia tonight there was a battle in my mind. I was struggling. Battling the urge to be upset or angry. Pushing it back...over and over. Again. Again. I feel like God sees and acknowledges that kind of effort. He knows how hard I am trying. He gave me just what I needed at that moment. A friend came up to me and asked me to pray with them. And even though I had talked to people the night before and been praying all day...this specific friend happened to be exactly what I needed right then.

Encouragment and prayer were given. And also I regained perspective as I prayed for him in return. I remembered my role in being an encouragement for him. I realized how important encouragement is. I reminded him his value in Christ. And because of that I remembered mine. And shortly there after a song came on entitled Fellowship So Deep. It said

We can feel his love among us; We can sing redemptions song
We can hear the Spirit call us to a place where we belong
For His joy is in our laughter and His comfort in our grief
Let His love here ever after be the language that we speak

Let us sing of our Redeemer and of His love that made us free
And know this gift is ours forever, a fellowship so deep

It was a timely reminder of my relationship with Him. It's a gift. It's not obligation. We choose to have it, and anyone can. It is vital. It is where we find true joy and comfort. And if we choose it, it is ours forever.

That relationship is far more valuable than anything I may desire. And it is a true source of joy and peace. It is difficult to be willing to focus on God and not myself. And it is not always easy to be willing to let go of everything in exchange for that depth of relationship with Him. At times this relationship feels hard...Because if I truly desire that depth with Him I have to be willing to make sacrifices. Sacrifice things that inhibit it. And though that may be difficult...the relationship with him should be an easy one. Comfortable. Peaceful.

It's funny how hard it is to choose peace when it's all you really want. But in many ways it is a choice. The only true peace comes from God.

I should probably be grateful...thankful...excited that God thinks enough of me to know I can handle trials. I know by making the choice to rely on Him I'm growing as a person and in relationship with Him. I'll come out of all of this strengthened and blessed.

By trusting Him for that outcome I'm choosing some temporary pain. (I'm accepting the challenge.) I could easily choose to be selfish and focus on myself and how unfair God is. But I suppose He knew that I'd choose the right thing no matter how hard...and because of that choice...the end result will be amazing.

:-) Choose joy and peace. No matter how hard it is. Value your relationship with Christ. Sacrifice self-centeredness to Him and just trust Him in faith. He will see your efforts and help you along the way, but attitude is so important. Choose Him.

-Noelle <3

Whose afraid of the Post Modern???

2009-01-16T00:40:00.004-05:00

(This is very long, and all other the place. Not incredibly scholarly. But it's just some random thoughts on my mind today, greatly due to a lecture by Dr. Case. I haven't really hashed them all out yet so don't take this as my final word haha, it's just questions really.)

In past eras, brilliant minds could spend their whole lives developing ideas and picking apart theories. Now it’s hard to keep up as technology and philosophies change rapidly. And it’s scary isn’t it? Everything you produce, buy, write about, etc will be outdated in a matter of months. Traditional conservative Christians see these fast changes (especially in thought) as absolutely detrimental, new, and against everything they stand for. The big scary word that gets dropped often is “post-modernism.” Oh the evils the word implies.

It seems to me that Christians especially, but much of western culture in general, have a tendency towards “bumper sticker” critiques. Christians are notorious for taking things out of context and boycotting. I’m going to admit right here and now that I find this embarrassing.

I know that with so many disciplines…history, philosophy, politics, music, cultural phenomenon…it is nearly impossible to keep up. You almost have to pick one or two and focus on them because there is too much to know. Unlike earlier generations, we live in a world where we are building upon accumulative knowledge. We take for granted hundreds of years of learning that is our foundation for expanse.

But Americans especially are very individualistic and rarely want to put the energy into gaining a whole picture. Evangelicals can be even worse sometimes because they view knowledge and questioning, new ideas, other opinions as threatening.

Post modernism is not new.

Christians associate post modernism with being counter cultural and rejecting truth. “Truth” is such a hot button word with Christians. Everyone seems to think that in postmodernity there is complete rejection of truth. Also we seem to think truth is completely accessible and anyone who thinks differently is outside of the truth. And be cause of this post modern thought is scary.

Let me clarify a few things then I’ll get to the point.

Post modernism is not a school of thought. It’s just what we call a cultural shift that we noticed and are trying to understand.

Second of all. It’s not new. It is more or less hyper-modern. The whole modern age has been defined by throwing out dogmatism and authoritarianism. It’s the great “Awakening,” the Englightenment, Romanticism, the idea of progress that is so very engrained into our minds and culture. It is continually moving…

Also what I mean by “bumper sticker” critiques: This expression is used by James K. A. Smith in a book entitled Who’s afraid of Postmodernism? I don’t know how I feel about the entire book just yet, but I like this point.

(Sidebar: I'm not saying I expect everyone to have read everything. I'm just saying, what's wrong with saying "I don't know?" about something you haven't read up on. You can then choose to read up on it...or just admit youre not that interested and don't have the right to a solid opinion on it (rather than taking someone elses word for what it says.))

Do you see the problem? We rarely take the time to question and truly get the whole picture.

If we choose to be afraid of post modern ideas and throw them all out…we miss the possible benefits AND we do not intelligently really understand the big picture.

Postmodernism is not a rejection of truth. If you took time to read books by post-modern theorists it would be impossible to come to this conclusion. In fact this is a common misconception among Christians. It’s not fair to take someone else’s word as gospel on anything. It’s not smart. I find that Christian leaders are more concerned with warnings then they are with encouraging full understanding of an issue.

Post modernism at the core is the recognition of limits. And I fail to see why this is so bad. It is not a rejection of truth. It is acknowledgement of the limits of human understanding of the truth. It is not saying truth doesn’t matter but it is dealing with some issues I would like to see dealt with among Christians.

We need to acknowledge out limits.

We do not have to say there is no reality. But we should admit that our perspectives are always shaped by our situatedness. Your knowing is always limited to some degree. It’s limited by things like your class, your race, your place in the world, the time period you live in, your religion, etc. Those things predispositions should be considered. Our place in life will alter and influence our realities and opinions.

In Christian apologetics you find that truth claims have to be made differently varying from culture to culture. Because cultures are all different, and have different ways of viewing reality. It doesn’t discredit truth. But it does change how you understand it and how you go about imparting it.

Diversity in belief is not new. Doctrinal differences are not terrible. For over 500 years now, protestant Christians have been divided by doctrinal differences. At some point why can’t we say “I don’t know” or live with the differences? They simply divide the body of Christ. It’s not about ever stopping the seeking of truth, or saying it is relativistic. It’s about whether or not it is important to divide over things that are not critical, do not have easy answers, and may never have a consensus.

We can’t stop discussion. Instead we should be willing to dicuss, to disagree, and to gain knowledge. If we are truly being intelligent in our pursuit we shouldn’t be afraid of different ideas than our own. We should learn about them and sift out the value in them.

Of course there will be truth and falsehood in every view. It would be a little egotistical to assume you have everything right and no room to grow. Even amongst postmodern theorists, or among the romantics, there will be silliness and truth and variations of opinion.

My problem is that conservatism refuses to recognize limits. And therefore there is no willingless to dialogue.

And how do you handle “otherness” ?

If you cannot convert someone to think the way you do…then what?

Do you accuse them of heresy?

Do you legislate things to make their life harder?

What do you do when you cannot agree, with those people??

These are just questions.

I just want to encourage everyone to be openminded and intelligent in their pursuit of truth. It has nothing to do with bending to culture or being relativistic. But if you are going to discuss things with people…be smart about it! Actually do the research from every angle. Don’t take anyone else’s word as gospel. Acknowledge that there are biases. Be willing to stretch yourself.

In the end we are called to love others. We are also encouraged to find humility. Don’t be too proud to disagree with others and be okay with that. Love them anyway. Recognize that you may have things wrong that they have right, and vice versa. Be at least willing to actually hear what they have to say. Question your beliefs. There is nothing wrong with questioning. If you have faith. You have nothing to fear in understanding other opinions outside your own.

Don’t be afraid of different opinions. And don’t accept “bumper sticker” critiques.

Above all, be open and love others.

It may be a slow and painful process...

2009-01-07T16:40:00.003-05:00

So don't run away.

Because God's will for our lives is not always the easy road. In fact it's probably almost always a trying path. It's hard to understand in the moment why it has to be that way. But I can hardly think of an example where trials weren't crucial to growth or someone lived without any sorrows ever touching their lives. These things are important. Not because God doesn't love us or wants us to suffer. They're important because they help us understand him and his love for us.

I'm trying to balance two concepts that hold equal ground in my mind.

The first is God's love for us. It's HUGE. God says that he will give us the desires of our hearts. He wants to give us joy and peace in him. He loves us as his children. If you know anything about parental love you know how passionate that love can be...and God's is even bigger. I know God has plans for me and wants me to be happy. I know that God isn't trying to cause me pain. I know that whatever is in store for me, he took my own desires into mind. Some of my desires may even be God given.

But then there's this other concept. My life is not my own. I owe it to Him. All of it. He bought it at a price. Even if that meant giving up something I thought would make me happy, or even if it meant giving up my life...that shouldn't matter. Because I owe him that much and more. It would be selfish of me to give anything less that what he desired for my life.

So how do I balance my desires and His desires?

I've been reading Passion and Purity by Elisabeth Elliot.

(First of all I love that we spell our names the same.)

I've been tearing through it, because the theme is just that: putting God's desires over your own.

Ir's encouraging because it's challenging. She talks about this girl who thinks God is going to give her a rich man to marry. She asks the girl 'What if God wants you to marry a poor man?" and the girl insists that God wouldn't do that because he loves her and that's not what she wants. "But what if this poor man wants a beautiful woman and God promised her to him?" Did she want God's choices or her own? She claimed she wanted Gods but this is how it came out:

Jane: "I've prayed for His will and I've prayed for a rich, handsome husband, and that's what I'm going to get, because Jesus loves me and Jesus wants me t be happy."

Elisabeth: "So if you don't get him, will that prove God doesn't love you?

Jane: "Doesn't he want me to be happy???"

Elisabeth writes: The problem starts when we make up our own minds what will give us happiness then decide, if we don't get exactly that, that God doesn't love us. We slither into a slough of God-hates-me-self-pity.

So in reality this isn't something I fear. The point is that we should not be so convinced that our own desires are right that we miss God or blame him when we don't get what we want.

But I take encouragment when from her whole story.

When she first met her husband Jim Elliot, she knew immediately he was the kind of man she wanted to marry. And she found she had strong desires in her heart. "I was wishing that my wishes were what God wished, and if my wishes were not what God wished, I wished that I could wish that my wishes would go away, but the wishes were still there."

That's kind of where I find myself. I have some very strong desires in my heart. And I'm hoping that they're also Gods. And if not I'm not hoping to change his mind, but I am hoping that these desires go away. But they aren't going away...

So does that mean it's me? Or is it God?

It doesn't matter. If I am tuned into Him then I will find peace and trust him.

"....Have no anxiety. but in everything make your requests known to God...." - Philippians 4:6

I remember that it's okay to talk to God and tell him my true feelings. He's not offended by me having them. He knows them anyway, and he can also see my desire to find his desires even at the risk that they are not my own.

"I will teach you, and guide you in the way you should go.
I will keep you under my eye.
Do not behave like horse or mule, unreasoning creatures, whose course must be checked with bit and bridle.
Many are the torments of the ungodly;
but unfailing love enfolds him who trusts in the Lord.
Rejoice in the Lord and be glad..."

It's an attitude. I refuse to be stubborn. If God tells me to follow him somewhere unexpected...then off I'll go. I trust him to guide my way. I don't fear my own desires. If they are wrong I know I'll accept that because I put my trust in God. And I also know that it is possible they aren't just me. And it's okay for me to think that, because I won't let it blind me.

It seems like everything good, comes at a cost. And maybe that's just because we appreciate it more after all the sweat and tears. So I am very going to expect easy.

After reading all this stuff about giving up my desires for Gods I was finding myself discouraged. But then I read this:

"A settled commitment to the Lord Christ and a longed-for commitment to Jim Elliot seemed to be in conflict. Discipleship usually brings us into the necessity of choice between duty and desire. They are not always mutually exclusive, however. When are hearts are set on obedience, we can be sure of the needed wisdom to tell the difference between a conflict and a harmony. It may be a slow and painful process." - Passion and Purity

I haven't gotten much farther than this point but I already know that her and her husband Jim spend years apart communicating mostly through letters, only to end up together and married in the end. But she had to give him up awhile...or at least put him off to make sure her heart was following Gods desires and not her own.

But I find encouragement in this fact. Yes. I need to put God's desires actively above my own. And that could mean letting go of my desires. Sure. I'll be ready and prepared for that and make sure that I'm not just set on something. Rather I'll be growing and praying and seeking God's will for my life. I'm ready for that and I don't doubt I'll find peace with the outcome.

However, I don't think God wants me to have an attitude of martyrdom. I don't think He wants me to assume everything I desire is bad. Just because I desire it, doesn't make its God's will. But just because I desire it doesn't automatically mean it's wrong and selfish either. The point is to test it. Find out if it conflicts with God's desires or if it is in harmony with His desires for you.

I find myself encouraged and optimistic remembering that my desires at least CAN BE in harmony with Gods. If I remain open to his will and find those desires unchanged...that may be okay. Because being in God's will isn't about sacrifice alone, but also joy and fulfillment of his will and plan. And if I'm in tune with him, I'll find joy and peace in whatever His will is. Desire the same things.

So.

I am encouraged. I am optimistic. Things are difficult right now because my desires are not readily avaliable...right within my grasp. But it's good to know that those desires are not necessarily wrong. But rather submitting them to God is a painful process. It could end in something unexpected, or it could be delayed gratitification.

I insist upon being ready for EITHER. Not giving up on one or the other.

Don't give up.

God's will could be something different than your desires.
God's will might be exactly what you desire.

Both are okay. Don't let go of either.

In the meantime realize that you have to submit those desires to him and wait. It's a painful process. You don't really truly know the outcome. But find joy and optimism in knowing if you submit them to him, you'll be happy with the outcome.

-Noelle

2009-01-05T15:36:00.001-05:00

I’m not ready for this
I’m not ready yet
I’m not ready
For this ending
But it’s not over yet

I’ve been fighting against myself
And I’ve torn myself to pieces
I hear You calling,
God, I hear You calling
“Stand up, stand up And spend yourself for Jesus”

Buy The Truth

2009-01-04T12:12:00.002-05:00

Preface: I saw Cool Hand Luke last night. I have lots of opinions on the music and the band...but bottom line...great guys. Love them. Mark has a heart for God like I've never seen matched. His lyrics have always reflected a really thoughtful relationship with Christ. Every show he spends a great deal of time just talking and challenging and I'm always left deep in thought about something. He as well as the other band My Epic, gave me a lot of things to think about that I want to comment on here. But for the time being I'll comment on the new album The Sleeping House which I purchased last night and have been listening through today. Again, a lot I could say about the direction of the music. But this album even more than others, each song is rooted in an idea and verses that Mark had been sorting through and they are fantastic and thought provoking. He played this one last night and I read through the lyrics today...and I just can't help but share them. They are powerful to me.

"Buy The Truth" - Cool Hand Luke

If I had a dime for every dollar I’ve wasted trying to be happy
I could retire because I would be miserably wealthy
Then I’d have the time to see that I’d thrown out my life like the paper
And maybe the time by God’s grace to start it all over and

Buy the Truth
Though it costs all you have (Proverbs 4:7)
Buy the truth
Don’t ever sell it out
What good is a tool in the hand of a fool if you don’t buy wisdom?
(Proverbs 17:16)

If I sold You out, I could make enough money to live for a while
Walk in the room and important people would smile
Hold my head proud, and know I had made the best business decision
Wave at the crowds who give me their money like it was religion

Buy the Truth
Though it costs all you have
Buy the truth
Don’t ever sell it out
What good is a tool in the hand of a fool if you don’t buy wisdom?

Please, don’t make yourself at home
Please, don’t make yourself at home
Please, don’t make yourself at home
Please, don’t make yourself at home
The Land of opportunity
And superficiality
Syncretized theology
A compromised reality

God, touch our eyes
Expose the lies
That waste our lives
And block the light
A future hope (Proverbs 24:14)
That we’ll wake up
And see the Truth for what’s it’s worth

Buy the Truth
Though it costs all you have
Buy the truth
Don’t ever sell it out
What good is a tool in the hand of a fool if you don’t buy wisdom?

We Accept the Love We Think We Deserve

2008-12-09T17:54:00.003-05:00

Dead man, is it being high that makes you alive?

It makes you leave behind three boys and a wife in '89

As the track marks inched their way up your arm

My mother taught my brothers and I not to call you daddy

But to call you father

But I believe there is something here to be learnt of grace

'Cause I can't help but love you

Even with a heart that breaks

Like the promises that you made

My God, what a world you love

As Cities Burn

Sometimes you have to love people first.
Even if they don't deserve it.
Sometimes to be loved
You have to love unconditionally.

I talk about love so much. I can't help it. Because people forget that EVERYONE deserves compassion and love...and we can't be selfish about it. It's not about us...it's about others.

-Noelle

I wrote too much about politics over the election season and no one likes that so some good applicable things are coming soon :-) I'll try and talk about things that aren't just LOVE OTHERS soon haha...

Love Til It Hurts <3

2008-11-06T20:36:00.001-05:00

There are things more important than politics. They're called people.

(vs. 1)
who's your brother, who's your sister
you just walked passed him
i think you missed her
as we're all migrating to the place where our father lives
'cause we married in to a family of immigrants
(chorus)
my first allegiance is not to a flag, a country, or a man
my first allegiance is not to democracy or blood
it's to a king & a kingdom

(vs. 2)
there are two great lies that i've heard:
â€œthe day you eat of the fruit of that tree, you will not surely dieâ€
and that Jesus Christ was a white, middle-class republican
and if you wanna be saved you have to learn to be like Him

(chorus)

(bridge)
but nothing unifies like a common enemy
and we've got one, sure as hell
but he may be living in your house
he may be raising up your kids
he may be sleeping with your wife
oh no, he may not look like you think

Derek Webb

The Dreaded Absentee Ballot Arrives

2008-10-10T15:01:00.003-05:00

So I haven't written really since school started. Other than the busyness that comes with school, I've been dreading this post. There are plenty of other things with more application and meaning going on in my life I could share...but no...it's the election season and I feel the need to comment on it.

I've finally decided on a candidate and suddenly feel like I'm probably going to get a lot of criticism and be defending myself constantly. No matter who you decide on, someone around you will disagree and not get it. But I've decided to vote third-party. Which will get a ton of criticism. So I'm going to give a brief defense of this decision.

Here's the main argument I get from people to not vote third-party:

"It's wasting your vote."
"There's no chance they'll win, so why waste your vote?"

I think this is a terrible argument.

Let's take this out of the Mccain/Obama realm of things for a second. Let's be extreme.

If two terribly evil men were competing to run your country...and you were told you had to pick one, even though you knew for a fact they were both terrible people...would you...an American...just pick the lesser of two evils for the sake of voting? I don't think you would! I think you'd cry out against such a narrow choice, against being dictated by evil men. It would be like taking a survey where someone asked you who was a the best most moral person: Hitler or Stalin. You'd say they were both bad. And they kept pushing...yeah but which one was good? You'd struggle with it. Would you cave and pick the less of two evils for the sake of answering the question? Or would you just not take the survey because the question was completely ridiculous? (Maybe a reason some people choose not to vote?)

Okay so I know Obama and Mccain are not evil men. But if I disagree with them both...why should I be forced to choose between the lesser of two evils if there are in fact other people running I agree with?

Whether or not they get elected isn't the point. It is a matter of principle. You should vote your heart. You should vote for who you agree with on the issues and who you feel will do the best job. This is what our country was founded on. Vote out of principle.

"Always vote for principle, though you may vote alone, and you may cherish the sweetest reflection that your vote is never lost." - John Quincy Adams

I love this quote. Cmon guys...even if you know you are the only person standing up for what you believe in...shouldn't you still do it? Isn't that a commonplace for Christians even? Even if you knew everyone else in the world thought God wasn't real...and you knew no one would agree with you, that you'd stand alone and make no progress whatsoever. Wouldn't you still stand up for what you believe in? Still believe in God, though everyone else mocked you for it?

And I think it IS making progress to vote third-party. A two-party system is not good enough. And it is not American. Freedom of choice and expression is American, no matter how many opinions that shows. Just because these are the two dominating parties does not mean they always will be. Historically there has been almost a dozen Presidents who were not Republican or Democrat who were elected. And some of them are some of the most memorable!

Presidents Elected Historically By Party:

Democrats: 14
Republicans: 17
Federalists: 2
George Washington
John Adams
Democratic Republican: 4
John Quincy Adams
Thomas Jefferson
James Madison
James Monroe
Whig: 4

If we take the attitude that we shouldn't vote for third parties because they don't stand a chance...then they will never stand a chance. But if more and more people vote their conscience then maybe progress will be made. And I'd like to see a third-party president win in my lifetime.
So if nothing else, I'm encouraging you to vote your heart. If that is a democrat, or a republican and you truly believe in them and think they are the right person for the job...VOTE FOR THEM! Please! But look into every candidate. Put some thought, research and time into it. It's worth it! And then vote who fits you best no matter what their chances are. At least then you can feel good about who you chose without doubts.

Well this post has been too long for my to explain my choice, so I'm gonna end it here with just that I really put tons of time and research into my choice, and picked who I thought was best.

---Noelle

The Truth is Treason in the Empire of Lies

2008-07-23T13:27:00.008-05:00

I need to rant my frustrations for a moment...scroll down for more positive and encouraging writings...:-)

I hate politics.
I hate the news.
Both are just biased pointless argument about trivial issues while ignoring fundamental questions. No matter who is doing the reporting or debating it is almost always unfair and misleading.

"Truth is treason in the empire of lies." -Ron Paul

If you think there are flaws with America you are unpatriotic.
If you think America shouldn't have so much involvement in other countries affairs you are an isolationist.

Black and White.
Boxes to fit your size.
Two Parties.
The Left.
The Right.

Here is some truth for you. Our country is trillions of dollars in debt and has troops in over 130 countries. Why is is surprising that other countries resent us? And why is it that when I point out flaws in our government people get offended? Like its not okay to question the system because we have to blindly follow while proclaiming "This is the greatest country in the world and I'd never want to live anywhere else!" If you truly believed in the American constitution you might notice that it is more and more being ignored. And maybe that materialism and indifference aren't positive qualities to be proud of as a country.

Every candidate promises change. But the truth is, nothing is going to change. Not from one man. It takes all of us.

Why am I bitter about our political system today?

Because I have to do an absentee ballot soon and I don't even know who the vice president nominations will be much less who I want to vote for. I don't have the luxury of blindly voting for a party.

The two party system is ridiculous. Where are the shades of gray?

Voting soon.

-Noelle

St. Francis and Mute Math remind me to Love.

2008-05-29T22:46:00.004-05:00

"If you have men who will exclude any of God's creatures from the shelter of compassion and pity, you will have men who will deal likewise with their fellow men.” - St. Francis of Assisi

Exert from my Journal Summer 2007:

" Every person has a story.
Every person is interesting.
Every person should be treated well.
Regardless of how they come across because they are human with emotions and all humans deserve compassion.

No ne is born a monster, a whore, a bitch, a begger, a priest---life takes them there.

Life is only half choices
and the other half is circumstance.

We have the power to change, and to change others

and

the power to give in and ride to unchosen destinies. "

*Every single person you ever encounter deserves your compassion no matter how they seem because they are people with real emotions...love others. That is why we are here...to show love. And everyone deserves it. No matter what.

- Noelle

The crowds roll by
and im falling in
everyone's invicible
but its just pretend

and we all freaked out
what a shame
when only tears know how to remind us
we all break the same

we all break the same
and we all break the same

and everything we've built
could be our demise
it's the sticks and stones that wear us down
that often save our lives

the different stars tonight
will somehow fade the same
and all the tears we cry
tell us we're made the same
and when we fall aside
let's hope we fall in place
we built our different lives
but they all break the same

oh different worlds
and different hearts
and different souls
and different parts

and we all
we all break the same

mute math

Heart and Mind and Time

2008-03-09T15:36:00.003-05:00

I am a woman of heart and mind
With time on her hands

When love makes a fool of me

After the rush when you come back down
Youre always disappointed
Nothing seems to keep you high
Drive your bargains
Push your papers
Win your medals
Fuck your strangers
Dont it leave you on the empty side
Im looking for affection and respect
A little passion
And you want stimulation-nothing more
Thats what I think
But you know Ill try to be there for you
When your spirits start to sink

Is it all books and words
Or do you really feel it?
Do you really laugh?
Do you really care?
Do you really smileWhen you smile?
You criticize and you flatter
You imitate the best
And the rest you memorize
You know the times you impress me most
Are the times when you dont try
When you dont even try

I'm a woman of heart and mind
With time on her hands...

We All Break The Same (Destructive Christianity)

2007-12-07T09:42:00.000-05:00

I am finishing up my first semester here at Houghton College. Was it what I thought it would be? To a degree yes. The professors, the atmosphere, etc. Sure. Exactly what I was expecting and hoping for. Do not get my wrong, I love a lot of things about this school, I am not going anywhere. I have a criticism, but it is not unique to this campus. It is really a criticism of all small Christian schools and colleges, and even communities of other sorts.

The criticism is simply, why are Christian communities so destructive? No wonder non-believers want nothing to do with church and Christians. The church is where they feel least accepted, most judged, most looked down on. With exceptions, but as a whole: That is the message we are sending.

Why is it that the Christian community is so destructive? Of all places, shouldn't a Christian community as small and close knit as Houghton be uplifting and loving if the majority of the population claim to be Christians? It is sad to me that I can honestly say I felt more acceptance at my public university than here. What do I mean by unacceptance?

Here are some norms I've seen at Houghton:

Naivity

A lot of the students on this campus seem incredibly naive. "The Houghton Bubble" is not the faculty or staff here--who really are dead on with their stances most of the time. Those bubbles are brought from home by students who maybe grew up in their Christian bubbles and failed to notice that it is a fallen world. (Even among Christians. We are all fallen.) We all have struggles. Why do some Christians like to pretend they do not exist? When they meet someone with a REAL struggle, a serious one, be it alcoholism, depression, cutting, porn addictions or something else, they do not band around that person and help pull them out. It's like they think Christians do not sin. That sins that big are shocking and rare. As a body they ostracize them. WE OSTRACIZE THEM! Are we not called to love others and help them through real struggles? Why is it that they are avoided? Why are we shocked? Why do we run the other way?

Fear

There seem to be a lot of people afraid of talking to these people. I understand the importance of surrounding yourself with good people. Your closest friends that you take advice from and really draw from should be ones who lift you up spiritually. Of course. But Jesus hung out in the bars, with the alcoholics, with the whores. He loved everyone. He did not dodge people because they might bring him down, or they didn't want to be seen with that person, or whatever. Those are the people we should be going to.

People are not born liars, whores, priests, heros, acoholics, theives, etc. Their lives take them there. And you will not understand why they are at this low in their life unless you take the time to talk to them and get to know them. Everyone has a story worth listening to. I have to believe that these are the people who need Jesus the most. And that it is our responsibility to LOVE THEM! That was God's greatest command - love one another. And believe me... All people crave is love. Compassion. Acceptance with someone. All they need to hear is that one person took the time to talk with them, and knows how sinful they are...and loves them anyway...believes in them that they can make it out of it. Heres the kicker: Is willing to help them make it out.

My Semester

People criticize me often for being to open, to straight forward and outspoken about my struggles, basically...too honest. But I believe with everything in me that it is about damn time that people stop being fake and start showing their true colors. I think the world will respect Christians more when they are geniune and open about their lives. They know we're all hipocrits anyway---pretending to be holierthanthou but in all reality being no different and just as sinful as the next guy...

That is why I choose to be an open book, no matter how much it hurts. If someone wants to know something I tell them. I am honest about my mistakes, because I made them. And for everyone person they offend, it might help another person who is too afraid to speak up about a similar struggle but appreciates someone finally bringing it up and not being scared to talk about it.

I came into this semester with the attitude that I would simply try and show kindness to others. Take the time to get to know as many people as possible. Really talk to them. Unfortunately for me I took my good reputation at home for granted and a combination of misunderstandings, how I come across to people, and probably a mix of totally false rumor and even deserved rumor maybe---I developed a less than stellar reputation here. Maybe it is my fault for not taking the time to establish a good one. I'm not really concerned about that. I'm not going to get into anything related to that because frankly it's unimportant. The only reason I bring it up is because it caused me to discover something that for whatever reason I was naive too and did not expect---Destructive Christian Community.

I actually mean this as an encouragement and a call so understand me when I say:

The details are unimportant but I first hand for the first time noticed how destructive a tight knit community of believers can be. It goes beyond gossip and talking, beyond ostracization. Granted there are many people here that are uplifting and do not fit these cliches at all. But I can say that a lot that happened this semester truly hurt me.

What disheartened me more than anything that this of all places could be so damaging. I expect more. I expected more. I came here for the standard set here, for the community and yet the community has its negatives and faults. I began to think of others struggling with things that may feel ostracized. And I could not bare to think they were being hurt by fellow Christians. That can be damaging to a person's faith guys. Guard yourself because you could be doing more damage to the kingdom of God than good.

*** This is a call for change, an encouragement that despite the hurt I felt this semester I still deep down believe in God's people, in Christians, in this school and this community. There is so much potential and opportunity for us here to love one another. SHOW LOVE! Be willing and open to others! It is our call! If nothing else that is clear! ***

I'll end with an offer. I want to talk to you. Get to know you. This next semester and beyong know my door is always open. But regardless is we ever talk---over the next few semesters please, seek out others who are hurting, and love them.

And if you don't like her eyes - Just get them annulled.

2007-09-11T13:28:00.000-05:00

So lately I've had something on my mind. I'm going to ramble a bit trying to find what it is exactly I wanted to say.

It seems like to a growing majority of people love is just a disposable convienence. Especially among guys, but growing among girls as well. The increasing popularity of living life focused on oneself is upon us. Our culture has taught us that we need to figure out who we are, and what makes up happy. Slogans like "have it your way" imply that we have the right to want the world on our terms. All our decisions are about OUR life and our happiness and me me me.

I struggle with whether this is a good attitude or not. I mean I have some phenominal Christian friends who are very happy being alone and adventurous. They're taking this opportunity of being on their own to see the world...travel...have no attachments...and build relationships. I'm not saying that's really bad. But it breaks my heart to see this trickle over into love and relationships. Guys who have amazing women of God in their lives that truly care about them just throwing the relationship away. Because it's disposable. Because they just want to have fun and not have to work at a relationship. Because their friends rather than encouraging them to hold onto and work on a really good thing like the possibility of a future spouse, want them to go out and party with them, or even just be more availible. Friends are important, absolutely, but your future spouse is more so and why is it that everyone feels like finding that person is so easy that there is always someone else around the corner? Most girls don't have that feeling of security but many guys do. Taking to much energy? Drop the relationship and another one just as good is just around the corner. I just don't know it that's Biblical it doesn't seem like real love.

Granted real love isn't really proven til after marriage and everyone is aware you work at that, but I mean come on guys? Ending relationships for no apparent reason other than self centered ness? I just don't know about that. It hurts a lot of people and it seems like one of the basic principles of Christianity is loving other people and dying to self. Putting others above yourself and not being selfish.

Divorce is ever on the rise and if it's so easy now dispose of good relationships to chase after youre own selfish ambitions (but call them dreams so they sound better) when does that end? Never? Will you always be chasing down dreams, to never want to settle and when someone gets in the way of those dreams you dispose of them? It's important to have dreams sure but when did it become a bad thing to be content with having a family and a wife? That's personally always been at the top of my dreams list. Having someone there to DO all that WITH.

And that relationship with your spouse is special and the perfect ministry team as God intended it. That means you love that person so much you want their happiness over yours. That if you are sure you love them it is OKAY to make decisions based on them. Who came up with the idea that if someone is "keeping you from something" you want to do that that means you should break up with them? Missing out on things you WANT to do to fufill yourself is a legite reason to break up with someone?

I don't know. I guess if traveling to 16 countries before you die is really important to you, or your calling maybe you should not involve other people or date til you fufill that. Rather than dragging someone into it that cares about you and wants you to have all that but unintelltionally makes it harder for that to be easy because you'll be away from them...then just dropping them when they start to pull your attention away.

I guess it's sad to me that people devalue love that much. That doing something tempory and "grand" is so much more appealing than being in love and settling down and being CONTENT in what you have...

In A Severe Mercy by Sheldon Vanauken, he describes how he met his wife and their story before he lost her to cancer. She was so precious to him that he chose her above everything else and he was content with that decision--

"Much later, my very different choice came when my old flying comrade had won some fame among friends for reckless deeds in the air--urged me to go with him upon a very appealing aerial adventure in Arizona. It would have meant staying out of college for a year--and no Davy. I chose her."

He chose her. Nowadays if someone got the chance to do something like that and chose to stay home with his girlfriend instead he'd get a lot of heat for it. God forbid you choose time with your girlfriend over an adventure like that with a friend! Everyone would probably urge him to break up with her because she was changing him and keeping him from his friends and adventures.

If you read the rest of the story it is a phenominal story of a very loving and fufilled God-centered relationship that lasted a lifetime. It started with the two of them being so in love that they put each other above themselves.

I guess you could argue you shouldn't put a significant other over friends becuase they aren't permanant...but this is college kids...you should either not date and focus on whatever it is that's important to you or realize the person you meet now could be the one. If you're just dating to date you're playing with someones emotions that may really grow to care about you. I think the fact that relationships are so commonly not permanant is just another sign of self-centeredness and what we've made things.

The point is, dating scares me in college. I want a guy who loves me enough to not care what others think and wants to be with me. I'm not saying I'd ever wanna take all his time from his friends and others or his dreams. I'm just saying I'm tired of seeing my close friends, girls and guys alike, heartbroken and crushed because they were crazy about someone who looked at them as disposable. If you really love someone it's unconditional...not disposable and I want that real love.

Has marriage and family really become that unappealing? Is it really settling and giving up excitement nowadays? Why can't you have your adventures with someone by your side?

I don't want to be disposable. I want to be loved by someone who doesn't want to live life without me. Isn't that real love?

The heart of a wife
But she won't unlock it
All dressed in white
And face in the blankets
The nights with the boys
Razor in pocket
Drives to work
Don't ever drive back

Its a four letter word
And who ever thought that a
Four letter word would be so hard to spell out
And our hearts skipping beats
On edges of seats
We'll take time when its up
But give up when its down...
Freakin out about love...love...about love...about love.

To cool for apologies
And wouldn't have held
Our emotional policies
And looking glass selves
A realization that we all need to find
Is it's all in our heads when
We're changing our minds
About love

Love about love...its not love...

If we're not gunna mind
What's lodged in our chests
Then I'll spend all my time
Dodging yours I guess
There's a whole in my heart
And 5 cent society pulls up apart
And at the blink of an eye
We'll get the courts intervolved
And if you don't like her eyes
You just get them annulled.
Is the justice of the peace losing its power?
Honey moon sweets to hotels by the hour...

We take when its up
But give up when its down

And its not love. ---Jon Mclaughlin

He played the Piano like Elton John...

2007-08-03T01:44:00.001-05:00

I don't know why, but I adore this song. In every aspect, but especially the lyrics. All of them. Stunning really:

"A Dream"

Last night I had a dream about you
The dream took place inside a zoo
You were opening cages, setting animals free
You released every beast
Every beast but me

Last night I had a dream about love
It was everything I’d been dreaming of
It was a fabulous party with lots of balloons
It was everybody
Everybody but you

Last night I had a dream about God
And he played the Piano like Elton John
He was making a comeback
He was selling out shows
I was the opening act
You were sitting in the front row

Don’t get me wrong
I know you’re gone
But in my mind, sometimes, the facts are not so clear
In my mind, sometimes
I think you’re still here

Last night I had a dream I was dead
Somebody put an arrow through my head
They were aiming at the apple
But I guess that they missed
Couldn’t help be reminded
Of the first time we kissed

Last night I had the strangest dream
And I’m not exactly sure what it means
We were out having coffee and I got up to go
Then you asked me to stay and my body just froze
I didn’t know what to say, I didn’t know what to do
Last night I had a dream babe
I had a dream about you

-Julian Velard

My secret infatuation with Poetry.

2007-06-17T21:22:00.000-05:00

"Risk" - By C.K. Williams

Difficult to know whether humans are inordinately anxious
about crisis, calamity, disaster, or unknowingly crave them.
These horrific conditionals, these expected unexpecteds,
we dwell on them, flinch, feint, steel ourselves:
but mightn't our forebodings actually precede anxiety?
Isn't so much sheer heedfulness emblematic of desire?

How do we come to believe that wrenching ourselves to attention
is the most effective way for dealing with intimations of catastrophe?
Consciousness atremble: might what makes it so
not be the fear, for concentration, vigilance?
As though life were more convincing resonating like a blade.

Of course, we're rarely swept into events, other than domestic tumult,
from which awful consequences will ensue. Fortunately rarely.
And yet we sweat as fervently
for the most insipid issues of honor and unrealized ambition.
Lost brothership. Lost lust. We engorge our little sorrows,
beat our drums, perform our dances of aversion.

Always, "These gigantic inconceivables."
Always, "What will have been done to me?"
And so we don our mental armor,
flex, thrill, pay the strict attention we always knew we should.
A violent alertness, the muscularity of risk,
though still the secret inward cry: What else, what more?

The Town of Spektor

2007-05-21T13:30:00.000-05:00

Back to the highs and lows a moment. I saw this Regina Spektor video the other day. Very artistic, but most of all the symbolism screams heights and depths to me. Maybe you will catch it as well:

God's love.

It was spoken of in a unique way last Cool Hand Luke show I attended.

One thing in paticular that he said really truly stuck with me. Everyone is always saying "there's nothing you can do to make God stop loving you." I get that. Love is his nature. Not everyone really understands that, but its almost cliche' at this point to me. We're all sinners, we'll never amount to anything worthy of him, etc etc. It's not hard to understand. But he said something else that struck me. "There's nothing you have to do to make God love you." This hit me. Because, I think it's pretty basic that we're unworthy of his love because of our sin. But sometimes we put so much pressure on ourselves...that beyond that we have to be doing certain things to earn that love as Christians. Sure he desires our affection and drive to know him more. But He loves us no matter what. He's not going to be less if we choose not to love him. He doesn't "need" our love. He just desires it. Passionately. And as his children he loves us not only despite our mistakes, but also despite if we're seeking him or not.

Of course we should want to seek Him and grow, and he desires that from us. In fact that part is vital. Seeking God is a vital part of Christianity, and apathy will not get you easily into the kingdom. But our ends, they have nothing to do with His love. He'll always love us. Regardless. And it's not an excuse to not seek after him, its a comforting thought that you don't have to earn God's love...it's yours regardless. And you should want to show him love in return. But it's yours regardless. He'll never stop loving you. You don't have to earn it. B/c you'll never really deserve it. It's not an excuse...it's just comforting to know the God you serve is that loving.

Unrelated Side Note:

acrosstheuniverse.com

I am all too excited at the prospect of this movie...

2007-05-21T01:28:00.000-05:00

Life can show no mercy
It can tear your soul apart
It can make you feel like you've gone crazy
But you're not

Things have seem to changed
There's one thing that's still the same
'Cause when you feel like you're done
And the darkness has won
Babe, you're not lost
When your worlds crashing down
And you can't bear to fall
I said, babe, you're not lost

I hardly recognized the girl you are today
And god I hope it's not too late
It's not too late
'Cause you are not alone Michael Buble'

...thank you...

An 8 year old girl playing in the woods barefoot...

2007-03-29T12:23:00.000-05:00

Carmen Reitnour gave me an amazing book and I want to share a passage that just hit me so hard. It's so pure and raw of what it really means to be human. I think at some point in everyone's life--unless they are unnaturally lucky--you sort of get cynical about life. It's so full of pain, and hurt. Sometimes its a bad childhood to recover from, for me, it was growing up and things seeming to fall apart from how perfect they were. The realization that life isn't easy and learning to deal with it and recover from the hurt is just part of it. At some point things will not be easy. But we all live in pursuit of some kind of happiness. It's universal to all of humanity to try and find some form of joy and to avoid all life's pain.

"He had been won't to despise emotions: girls were emotional, girls were weak, emotions--tears--were weakness. But this morning he was thinking that being a great brain in a tower, nothing but a brain, wouldn't be much fun. No excitement, no dog to love, no joy in the blue sky--no feelings at all. But feelings--feelings are emotions! He was suddenly overwhelmed by the revelation that what makes life worth living is, precisely, the emotions. But, then--this was awful!--maybe girls with their tears and laughter were getting more out of life. Shattering! He checked himself: showing one's emotions was not the thing: having them was. Still, he was dizzy with the revelation. What is beauty but something that is responded to with emotion? Courage, at least partly, is emotional. All the splendour of life. But if the best of life is, in fact, emotional, then one wanted the highest, purest emotions: and that meant joy. Joy was the highest. How a did one find joy? In books it seemed to be found in love--a great love--though maybe for the saints there was joy in the love of God. He didn't aspire to that though, he didn't even believe in God. Certainly not! So, if he wanted the heights of joy, he must have, if he could find, a great love. But in the books again, great joy through love seemed always to go hand in hand with frightful pain. Still, he thought, looking out across the meadow, still, the joy would be worth the pain--if, indeed, they went together. If there were a choice--and he suspected that there was--a choice between, on the one hand, the heights and the depths and, on the other hand, some sort of sage, cautious middle way, he, for one, here and now chose the heights and the depths." ---A Severe Mercy (Sheldon Vanauken)

"The highs will make you fly, but the lows make you want to die..." - Missy Higgins

Ah, emotions. I've always despised them. Because there is no way to control how you feel. And for me, being a girl, it effects my entire body. If something huge in my life happens to cause me a great amount of pain, my whole body hurts. I don't eat, I have trouble sleeping. I try to do both but am incapable of doing anything but just praying, and waiting for the pain to dull. Despite wanting to avoid those kind of lows...you realize that low was in response to losing something amazing, be it love, someone close to you (death), or any other high in your life. It hurts so badly because you don't want to see it go. So at some point you decide if it's worth it. And in the above is a boy coming to the conclusion that great joy, which is often accompanied by great pain, is a much better choice in life that living a mediocre, sage, boring, "safe" life, with no significance. (This is only the beginning of the book of course).

"Only after disaster can we be resurrected." ---Tyler Durden (Fight Club)

It is because of the pain in my life that I have grown. It's because of the pain in my life I continue to grow. Without it, I'd still be a carefree six year old. Which, may have been safe. Maybe happy. Maybe a place that you constantly want to go back too. But you could never stay there. There is a desire in everyone to grow, to explore, to understand life, to impact others and the world. Ignorance is bliss, but it's hard to find happiness in ignorance. It's like an oxymoron. You may wish you didn't know somethings, but in a state of unknowing you'd only restart the search of that knowledge. It is a quest God instilled in us from creation. Discovery and...curiosity.

I see it as a good thing. I see it as a process. I understand now why older people are either bitter towards life or full of wisdom and optimism, with very few riding in the middle.

And love, well, that's a big part of it. A desire deeply set in most, a picture of God's love for us. And something I greatly look forward too when the timing is right.

Frank Costello: How's your mother?
Man in Bar: She's on her way out.
Frank Costello: We all are, act accordingly.
The Departed

---Noelle

Balance and Paul Newman

2007-03-18T10:57:00.000-05:00

From my experience I've come to believe that people don't always need their sins pointed out and reminded of judgement. B/c a lot of times they know its wrong. They don't need someone to tell them it's wrong...or they just don't care if it's wrong or not. People aren't afraid of hell. Why? Because their lives are a living hell, and they don't see how it could be any worse than what they're already going through. There are plently of people in their lives pointing out whats wrong with it...but very few loving them through it. It's not a matter of condoning and overlooking their sins. It's loving them out of them.

Sometimes people have to hit their lowest low to realize there is no more happiness to be found. Sin if fun, and it makes you happy. You cannot contest that fact. But the problem is that its only temporary happiness. And it takes different lengths of time for people to realize that. Some people only need a taste to realize its unappealing to them, others take years to hit rock bottom. But when they get there, you can almost garentee they'll be looking for a way out, happiness, "something." And one of the most effective ways to reach people is to live a fufilled life of love. They'll notice you have something they want and that you've got the love of God shining through you. The fact that you don't judge and condemn them but show them love and acceptance despite all their mistakes is God's true nature shining through.

I'm sure their is a balance. It's painful to watch a friend hit rock bottom, and you shouldn't ignore it. Sometimes they need blunt honesty. But from my experiences with friends...and with myself...people respond to love better than judgement. God is pro-love. There are so many verses warning 'do not judge lest you be judged' and that there is no condemnation in Christ. It's not our place to judge others, its Gods. At the same time He also says speak the truth. But you can stand up for the truth and not condone sin while still acting in love and not making people feel like dirt. You don't need to make them feel guilty and push them away. They're unhappy enough as it is...our job is to show them hope, love, and forgiveness.

God is a God of love. And people don't realize that b/c they get more judgement from Christians than compassion. We should constantly have others on our mind, and be looking for ways to show people that love.

"Therefore if there is any encouragment in Christ, if there is any consolation of love, if there is any fellowship of the Spirit, if any affection and compassion, make my joy complete by being of the same mind, mainting the same love, united in spirit, intent on one purpose. Do nothing for selfishness or empty conceit, but with humility of mind regarding one another as more improtant than yourselves; do not merely look out for your own personal interests but also for the interests of others." - Philippians 2:1-4

---Noelle

There's a man on the roof
Ignoring the fireworks
The city walks by unmoved
Their laughter looks like tears

The city keeps hurting him
He crawls to it for medicine
All the answers are here
He's asking the wrong questions

On top of a skyscraper
With a foundation of fears
Empty works and dreams
He thinks can't come true
For what can he do?
What has he to offer to You?

Your Majesty, he's jumping
He's jumping

He's falling�
Into Your arms

Cool Hand Luke

Protest Signs and Blues

2007-03-11T10:48:00.000-05:00

"Is there anyone who
Ever remembers changing there mind from
The paint on a sign?
Is there anyone who really recalls
Ever breaking rank at all
For something someone yelled real loud one time?" ---John Mayer

I've always disliked protesting. I personally don't see what it accomplishes. Most of the time, at least with student protesting like that on the campus of my college, it's just a lot of yelling. Sure it gets your attention, but most of the time if you stop and talk to them they really don't even know what they're talking about. You ask them what their solutions are for the issue and they have none, no arguments. If you're going to argue something...at least HAVE an argument, a well thought out point about something and good suggestions on how to fix it so that maybe something will actually be done. Rather than yelling about the problem...come up with a way to solve it.

Lately however, its the "Christian Protestors" that get me. They stand there and yell at people walking by...things like "YOURE GOING TO HELL!!!" These people embarress me as a Christian. And if you say as much to them they just yell at you too b/c they think they're doing something good.

But when did Jesus ever ostracize people? I'm pretty sure he was in the business of loving people and people liked being around him, not ran the other way. Rich Mullins sang it best:

"The whores all seemed to love him and the drunks proposed a toast." -Rich Mullins

Jesus was in the world but not of it. He hung out in bars and loved people into the kingdom. Not many people being human can go into a bar and stand out like that, but the point is, sinners and otherwise...people were drawn to Jesus. Something about him just pulled you to that hope. Protesting my lifestyle would only offend me and make me want to be as far away from people like you as possible. Has anyone ever really stopped and said..."Oh wow...you're right, I really did not know I was living a life of sin until you just now pointed it out, please read the salvation prayer with me." I doubt it.

---Noelle

Eric Clapton Lyrics and Low Budget Films

2007-03-01T11:38:00.000-05:00

Mary responded, "I am the Lord's servant, and I am willing to accept whatever he wants. May everything you have said come true." --- Luke 1:38

I am at a crossroads. And I don't mean a substandard Britney Spears movie. For the first time in my life I have no plan. I'm having to learn how to listen to God, and fully trust him. I know he will show me where to go next.

"Trust in the LORD and do good; dwell in the land and enjoy safe pasture. Delight yourself in the LORD and he will give you the desires of your heart. Commit your way to the LORD; trust in him and he will do this." - Psalm 37:3-5

Things that have happened recently have caused me to take a step back and evaluate. I've realized things about myself that I never really knew. I've been wounded, but also strengthened. I've hurt, but also found a new sense of hope in God. I've had life changing experiences that cause me to understand things I never truly understood. And I've learned the value of things I took for granted.

"If you would be loved, be loveable." - Ovid

I've been thinking about my future husband.

I'm not ready to get married. I need time to prepare myself and be worthy of the husband God has for me. I have to learn to love God as my bridegroom. Only when I am content in him and him alone will I be able to give my love to a man. I give away my love easily. I'm vulernable and desire affection. These can be good things, but only after I find contentment in being single, and serving God. Only once I can trust him completely, and not look to a man to fufill me, will I find true fufillment. And in the meantime, I not only need to trust him completely for a Godly husband, but also prepare myself to be the kind of woman that man also deserves. If I'm going to set my standard high, I need to be worthy of that man's love.

"She has a vital role to play; she is a partner in this great adventure." - Captivating

I realize now I need to not settle. When you are in love you overlook things that if you could take a step back and observe, you'd realize they are bigger than you let on. By no means is any man perfect, but a Godly man strives to please God with his life. He is strong and capable of protecting you and your relationship, capable of loving you deeply and passionately even while loving God more, and all the while growing and fufilling his callings. I need a man who is willing to lead. To guard our relationship and keep it pure. And I trust God completely to show me who that is, and in the meantime I continue to grow.

"I simply loved feeling wanted and fought for. This desire is set deep in the heart of every little girl---and every woman. Yet most of us are ashamed of it. We downplay it. We pretend it is less that it is." ---Captivating

I'm not ready to get married tomorrow, but I imagine in the next couple of years I may meet a man with which I can build a strong friendship with, eventually a relationship with, and know he's the one God was preparing me for. All my past experiences only force me to grow, learn, and appreciate my future husband for the extrodinary man he is. I don't expect him to be perfect, just perfect for me. And I know he will want to fight to keep me his.

Someone who cares about my details.

What next? I do not know. I'm excited though.

"You will find Me when you search for Me with all your heart." Jeremiah 29:13

I'm not running away from this
I'm not falling asleep
I'm not taking a bribe from anyone for anything
I'm not running away from this
I'm not falling asleep
I'm not turning back on the one thing that I know
Cool Hand Luke

---Noelle